Refine Me

I am going to attempt to catch up on blogging starting way back in June!

Malachi turned 3 on June 7th! He wanted his bday to be Curious George.

I found a kitchen set sitting out for trash pick up. I cleaned it up and turned it into a Curious George kitchen. They played with it all week with his new wooden fake food that you can cut!

We also went to a restaurant that delivers your burger and fries on a choo choo train. It was called 2 Toots. So that was fun!

I would like to announce more officially the birth of our third child!

Cecily Adeline Taylor

Born:

April 15, 2008

Weight:

6 lbs 12 oz.

Length:

19.5 inches

It was a long month . . . April 15 to May 17th that is! We loved Cecily before we even knew about her. But oh how I loved her the minute I laid eyes on her in the nurses station the day after she was born. I remember thinking how incredibly blessed I would be if I truly did get to be her mother. I just remember feeling in shock while I rocked her that day thinking that she might really be ours. The nurses didn’t hesitate at all to call us her mom and her dad. Deep down inside I fought feelings of uncertainty and dejavois remembering that only 2 months ago we did this very same thing with a totally different baby and it didn’t work out. I wanted to believe that Cecily would be ours and that this was going to work out but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Still my heart was already loving her and wanting her so so much. We thought that we would have to wait 72 hours to know for sure. Then we found out we would have to wait a few days longer since the 72 hour mark would land on the weekend and the paper work couldn’t be taken care of until the following Monday. Okay, no biggie (nervousness). We also got to take her home at 48 hours old even though the papers weren’t taken care of (even more nervousness). Phone rang later that night and the spell was broken! After we had been home with her all day we got the call from our social worker that we would have to wait 30 days for the paperwork to be taken care of. She was wondering if we wanted to keep Cecily in our care for the 30 days or put her in foster care? We decided that we wanted to keep her with us and risk that if she did get to stay with us and become our official daughter then we wouldn’t have wasted the 30 days apart from her.

I started keeping track of the 30 days by making a big green “X” on the calendar crossing off each day as we went. That almost made the time go slower. So then I tried purposely not to pay attention to the calendar until it caught my attention so that I could cross off 2 or 3 days at once. That seemed to help. I was living for the green X’s! All the while Cecily felt like my daughter. Our love for her was “official” no matter what. We were living like it was going to happen while simultaneously feeling the anxiety that it might not happen. It was torturous and joyous at the same time. I felt as though I was uttering prayers under my breath around the clock to God. I felt a nervous pit in my stomach for a solid month and yet I tried to keep handing it over to the Lord. There were times when I would hold and look down at Cecily and feel so much love for her that it would take my breath away. Then I would literally have to turn my eyes away from her because it hurt too much to look at her and know that maybe she might not be staying. Right away the Lord put a song into my head that I remember listening to in college. I had not thought of the song for many many years. It was based on Proverbs 3:5&6. The lyrics are: Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Don’t worry about tomorrow, He’s got it under control. Just trust in the Lord with all of your heart and He will carry you through . . . One day early on the song just popped into my head! I sang it over Cecily many many times during that month. We even picked it as her verse when we had her dedicated at church.

Well we made it! Here we are and she is still with us! The 30 days ended and the paperwork was taken care of. We are now back on track with what is familiar to us in the adoption post placement process. So this part feels like what we are used to.

We appreciate any prayers that you may have prayed on our behalf! We felt your prayers and thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

We are doing well! Cecily is an amazing little person. She is so sweet and calm. She has been a delight. Her personality seems to say, “I don’t want to bother you or trouble you” She rarely fusses unless she wants a bottle or has a burp! She is a sweetheart and is getting lots and lots of love. Malachi has come around! He loves her and copies me by saying, ” Hi Cecily, Hi Punkin.” Or he announces that she needs a bottle or paci if he hears her crying. Almost like the phone is ringing and he’s wondering if anyone is going to grab it. Claira is the biggest helper EVER! I didn’t even dawn on me to think that she might be this much help. She will feed her or gladly hold her anytime I need her too. She is way too good at it too. She supports her neck, burps her, talks to her, etc. Such a little helper anytime I need her.

We feel so blessed and thankful that the Lord has brought baby Cecily to us!

We have a swaddled, sleeping baby at our house! Cecily is so sweet. She has beautiful eyes and she looks all around. Every kiss or nuzzle you give her she seems to say, “ahh, that’s nice, please don’t stop kissing me.” So we don’t stop (: She is the sweetest thing.

I would like to give you all an update. Yesterday was a big day packed full.

We did go to the hospital around 11:30 a.m. We had our church friend Linda along to be with the kids so that they could feel included on the hospital venture and so that we could still include them in the memories and photos. (Linda’s idea!) She was such a good friend to us and a big support!

We got to spend 10 or 15 minutes with M. It was bitter sweet. She was so dignified and friendly to us. I could see pain beneath the surface but she remained brave and full of genuine smiles to us. I admire her courage and spirit so much. She liked seeing the outfit that we were bringing her home in . In the end they whisked ME away in the wheel chair with Justin and everyone behind me like a parade. (M stayed behind in her hospital bed). Leaving M was hardl for me. We all left her in the room alone and it just broke my heart. She was waving and smiling at us and then the social worker closed the door! I wanted someone to stay behind with her but they all left the room too. I started crying in the hallway as I was holding baby Cecily in my arms. It was so bitter sweet. Here I had this beautiful baby in my arms and M was left in the room with health complications and all alone. I felt happy, blessed and crushed for her all at the same time. I will never get over her sacrifice for Cecily as she lovingly blessed us with her smiles and waved good bye to us.

Later after we got home, we found out that we need to wait out a 30 day period before our situation can be official. Due to this specific situation, M and I were able to have a conversation.

Here are some of the things M said to me:

-I want you to know that I have total peace about you and Justin being the baby’s parents

-I was able to see the baby, hold her, and feed her and I still felt peace about it. It made me so happy.

-If anything you guys have made this easier for me and added an extra confirmation that I am making the right decision.

-I have learned that God is not a God of confusion but total peace. I have felt confusion over other decisions in life and known that maybe I should re think them. But with this I have total peace.

-God has you guys covered, not to mention that the story about Cecily’s name was the icing on the cake for me.

- She said she was not shocked when the woman came forward at walmart to pay for her things. She said to be honest, all my life God has shown up like that. He has always come through for me right at the right times.

-(I gave her a bracelet that I made for her. Each bead of the bracelet stands for a part of the 23 Psalm i.e. green bead-green pastures, blue bead, still waters, etc.) She said another confirmation for her was that a person that God used in her life who encouraged her to read the 23 psalm every day. She said when she opened the 23 psalm bracelet from us she felt yet another confirmation from God!

-he is definitely covering Cecily for allowing you to be the parents. I am peaceful about it. I really appreciate that you would be understanding and patient and willing to wait out the 30 days with me.

__________________________________________________________

Please pray for all of us involved. Mostly Cecily. This is her future we are praying for here. I do not take this lightly. God has designed this plan. I am thankful for the glitch –to have had the above conversation with M. I told her so. It will be so hard to wait out this time knowing that she in not officially ours. I love her so much already. I know God will give us the grace to get through this if it doesn’t work out but it will be hard. I think we need to just set all details aside and keep looking to God with each emotion and trust His perfect plan.

We had the most wonderful day today!

Yesterday we heard that M, our birth mother gave birth around 6:30 p.m. We got a call at noon yesterday, April 15, that she was in labor.

So today we got to go to the hospital to see M and meet the baby in the hospital nursery.

We walked into the nursery first. The social worker and hospital staff were so kind to us and friendly! I thought we would feel sort of out of place since after all, no adoption papers have been signed at this point. But right away they told us to wash up and put on the gowns over our street clothes! they welcomed us and ushered us right in! And then we saw her. . . the sweetest baby girl EVER. Equal with Claira, of course. (:She is just precious! and BEAUTIFUL! We fed her, snuggled her, and held her for an hour today. We got a private room all to ourselves and got to take photos and video. It was so so special! It is our desire that this would all go through. OBVIOUSLY! but it makes my stomach drop at the thought of it not. It is impossible to not get cozy with the situation. Trust me. . . I was cozy. I could have held her all day and just stared at her and nuzzled her.

I mentioned in the last post how sweet M is. During our last visit she made comments eluding to spiritual things. When we told her we would be praying for her she said, “thanks, I can always use prayers” or something like that. She also said that she felt a peace about her adoption plan and a peace about us. She also asked us about our church. She said that was important to her and her family.

But today we walked into her hospital room and she was on the bed sitting up with water and jello. She looked beautiful, but very tired. She was very warm and friendly but you could tell she was exhausted. She had pre eclampsia sp? and had a blood transfusion. The WHOLE conversation was special but I want to fast forward to the really neat parts. We asked if we could pray with her! and she said YES! So Justin and I were an either side of the bed and we both took one of her hands. I prayed and then Justin prayed. I peeked a little and saw M bowed in prayer with us. I just remember squeezing her hand and feeling such a love for her welling up in me. so that was the first really neat part.

the second really neat part was when I asked M if she wanted to know what we were planning on naming the baby. She said yes. So I told her. The name that we picked is a name that Justin and I have liked FOREVER! and have been waiting to use it. So I said to M, ” we plan to name the baby Cecily. ” (sess -ily)

She smiled and said very thoughtfully, “Cecily. . .(pause) Cecily, hold on, i have to check something to see if I am crazy. ” She picked up her cell phone and start scrolling through the contacts. She gets to the “C”s and turns the phone around and shows me the screen. Sure enough she had CECILY in her contacts. And then she proceeds to tell us a story. She said, “When I lived in TX earlier in my pregnancy I was at Walmart. And I remember feeling discouraged and asking that the Lord would help me with x, y and z. And then I was in line and a lady was behind me. She ended up paying for all of my items and giving me her name and number and telling me that I could call her if I ever needed her! Her name was Cecily!”

M was in disbelief! She was so amazed that this is the name we picked. She said, “this is so DIVINE!” I told her how we have always loved that name but that I didn’t know anyone named Cecily, we just like it. We both agreed that it was an pretty and eligant name. Then M said, ” I felt good about my decision before but this feels like a confirmation.”

It was such a beautiful day.

God is very good and was certainly present in it with us. I am thankful.

We would appreciate any prayers!

Please pray for God’s grace and mercy to us if this does not work out.

Please pray for M. . . for God to give her the grace to do what ever she chooses to do.

Well, we have some news! But remember to take it all with a grain of salt! Anything can happen with adoption and DOES!

We are working with a new birth mother. It sort of came about very quickly! She is due April 19th! She is expecting a full African American baby girl! We met her tonight at Starbucks for the first time. It was such a fun place to meet. It felt casual and cozy. The birth mom was a little doll! Her personality was bubbly, vibrant and kind. She smiled from ear to ear and had sparkling eyes. She spoke about feeling a “peace” about her adoption plan and about our family.

Somehow we moved quickly into talking about the hospital plans!? I was caught off guard thinking that we were still in the “get to know each other” stage. I went into the meeting not wanting to get my hopes up that she was set on us. And then we started talking about meeting at the hospital when she was dilated to 8? It was thrilling. And yet my guard came up. But I am so excited at the same time.

By the way, I want to say HI to YOU (the readers of this blog)! I feel like I have been bad lately about communication to so many of you whether by phone, email, face book, etc. I think after the last adoption situation I sort of CHECKED out for awhile. I wasn’t moping around for weeks and weeks. Just not in a blogging/phone mood. And then we got strep throat and then it was Easter. And then we came back from Easter with colds! And then I was reading my NOVELS! busy busy! Which BTW the NOVELS were to die for. I miss my friends in my Biblical fiction novels. Like my new Bible HERO King Hezekiah. Don’t even get me started. I am so excited about the Old Testament right now and how it is so amazing that in the New Testament God provides the Christ as the final LAMB sin offering! I am going bizerko asking Justin to bring home Bible time lines and cross references of prophesies that overlap with the stories in Kings and Chronicles. I love getting the BIG picture and making sense of the Bible as a whole. I love the visual images that the fiction novels provide for me to grasp Bible days more clearly.

The last thing I want to cover in this post is the kids! They make me smile so much. Tonight they got new kazoo horns and wooden birdie whistles as a surprise after our birth mom meeting. They were happy as little larks!

bye for now!

Not much new but thought I should post!  (:

We have been livin life and havin fun with the kids!

Still circulating our adoption profile to potential birth mom’s and situations.  So that is good!

My sister, Jaimee is visiting us right now. Today we had fun going to a park and a movie at the mall.  We took the kids to Horton Hears a Who.   It was really good and entertaining!  I also thought it was okay for kids.  The only not so good for little kids part was referring to someone as a boob and idiot a few times. But other than that it was fine.  I think it went right over my kids heads.

I have had my nose into a book series.  It is called Chronicles of the Kings by Lynn Austin.  There are 5 books and I am on book 3.  I am so so glad that I still have 2 left!  I am enjoying them so much!  They are biblical fiction based on the days of King Hezekiah.  Oh my,  I just love these books and then love going to my bible and reading the passages that it follows!  And it also quotes from the Psalms and Isaiah so much.  It is so interesting to read what Isaiah prophesies and then see how it comes to pass right before the kings eyes!

I also ended up making mini quilts for Claira’s bunk beds so I will have to post a pic sometime soon.

that’s all for now!~

Unfortunately we got news tonight that the adoption fell through.

We were sad initially but are thankful that God quickly turned our thoughts toward him. We know that God had us building a relationship with this birth mom for a reason. I have had such nice conversations with her. We have spent hours on the phone getting to know one another. She had a lot of guilt tonight about telling us. She had her boy friend call us to tell us. Then we spent an hour texting about it. I wanted her to feel free from guilt. I reminded her of what I have said all along. That I never wanted her to feel pressure from us and that we are here for her if she needed us to be her plan. We gave her a Bible yesterday and tonight I encouraged her to read it! She said she would and that she loved us and was so glad to have been able to met us. I told her to keep in touch and that she has a beautiful baby. It was hard to call my mom because she was on the road with my older sister driving 10 hrs in the car to meet the baby. It is 11:34 and they won’t be here til 1 or 2 a.m. ish. I had to tell her that the baby wasn’t going to be ours. This feels so yucky right now. But I know God has a plan. I assured our birth mom that the adoption before Malachi fell through and if it hadn’t we wouldn’t have him! And that we wouldn’t trade him for the world. I know God is sovereign and I am resting in his plans. We are sad but glad this is over. If that makes sense. Back to the drawing board, folks. Hang on because the story is not over.

I will call Angel Adoption tomorrow and let them know to get showing our profile albums again. I wonder if our baby is even conceived yet. I HOPE SO!!!!!! Thank you every one for all of your prayers and encouraging comments and emails.

We got the call at 8:07 a.m. today that our birth mother gave birth at 4:33 a.m. this morning! Since then we have been to the hospital and met her!  We both got to hold her and look at her. She was so precious and content. She had her eyes open lots and was very alert and bright eyed! It was so wonderful to be with her. We also enjoyed seeing our birth mom and she was very welcoming and warm to us. It was a beautiful day and a wonderful experience. We only stayed a little over an hour! The time went by very quickly but we felt like we needed to let our birth mother rest.